The Silent Intimacy Taboo I Couldn't Believe
- D.e.n.i_C
- 3 days ago
- 3 min read
As an intimacy coach with years of dedication to this subject, I've heard it all, or so I thought. Couples come in with stories of mismatched libidos, cheating, or just plain boredom. Yet, every now and then, a particular couple will present a scenario that challenges my perceptions, opening my eyes to new dimensions of human connection, or the lack thereof.
Meet Sarah and Mark (not their real names, of course). They’ve been together for twenty years and have a great kid. By all accounts, they’re the picture of a stable, happy family. But when we got to the topic of intimacy, the air in the room got thick. They confessed, almost whispering, that in two decades, they had never talked about sex. Not their desires, not their fantasies, not what felt good, or even what didn't. Nothing.
I must admit, I was taken aback. Two decades, a child, and a complete void when it came to discussing one of the most fundamental aspects of a romantic partnership? My mind, trained to explore the nuances of connection, struggled to reconcile this. How could two people build a life, raise a family, and engage in the physical act of love, without ever exchanging a single word about it?
I probed further. "What do you talk about when your child goes to bed?" I asked.
They told me: the bills, school projects, the annoying neighbors, their work, the whole mundane checklist of adult life. They had the communication skills for everything but intimacy. Thanks to their upbringing, a mix of strict religious education and a society that treats sex like a dirty secret, the subject was utterly taboo. They simply didn't have the vocabulary or the permission to bring it up.
The Big Question: Why the Silence?
This session stuck with me because it presented such a fascinating paradox. Here are two people who obviously practice sexual activity. They have a child, after all, but they cannot speak a single word about it.
It made me wonder: Why do we treat the most natural thing we do like the biggest secret?
Sex isn't just for making babies; it's a huge component of our well-being. When you’re intimate, your body releases endorphins, those fantastic little hormones that relieve pain, melt away stress, and just generally make you feel great. It's the same happy chemistry you get from a tough workout or a great meal.
And yet, for Sarah and Mark, this deeply personal, naturally pleasurable experience was completely disconnected from their ability to talk to each other. They were physically close but miles apart in terms of emotional honesty. It felt like they were missing out on the deeper, more connected joy that comes from truly being seen and understood by your partner.
Breaking the Taboo
Their story was a powerful reminder that my job isn’t just about fixing problems; it’s often about teaching couples how to talk in the first place. It challenged my own perception that once you’ve been together for so long, communication flows naturally. Nope. Sometimes, those deep, ingrained taboos are the hardest to shake.
I’m so happy I got to walk alongside them. Watching them slowly, hesitantly, start to share their inner thoughts was incredible. They were learning to replace silence with honest communication, which instantly opened the door to more pleasurable and honest experiences for both of them.
If a couple who has been together for two decades can finally break that silence, then anyone can. It’s a journey that starts with just one word.
Is there a topic in your relationship that feels completely off-limits, even if you know you should be talking about it?
Comments