The Fine Line Between Devotion and Desperation

D.e.n.i_C
Jan 25
5 min read

I was sitting on the train, heading towards Geneva. I was enjoying the spectacular view of the lake with magnificent mountains covered in snow behind it. I had my AirPods on and was listening to music to accompany this cinematic experience.

I took my AirPods off when I needed to go to the bathroom, and when I sat back down, I heard a group of four French people talking behind my seat. At first, I just thought they were talking loudly, but then I started to listen.

“I broke up with him because he was too nice, too in love,” one girl said. “He even helped me walk down the stairs, and it just got on my nerves.”

A guy in the group, maybe 25 years old, replied, “Wait, you don’t break up with someone just because they’re nice.”

She didn't back down. “Yeah, but it was really annoying. I just can’t be with someone who gives me too much love and shows it all the time. It suffocated me.”

Another guy joked, “So, what? You wanted him to slap you instead?” The whole group burst out laughing.

I felt a strong urge to turn around and tell them exactly what I thought. I probably would have, but they stood up to get off at the next stop. As I watched them leave, I noticed they were all in their early twenties. I told myself, “They’re just young and gaining experience. It’s okay.” That thought calmed me down, then I realized that what I had just overheard wasn't just "youthful ignorance", it was a classic case of a Relationship Misdiagnosis.

Here is what was actually happening beneath the surface.

Kind man vs People Pleaser

Let’s get one thing straight: Kindness is a strength. People pleasing is a weakness.

Kindness comes from a place of abundance. People pleasing comes from Anxiety. If that boyfriend was helping her down the stairs because he was terrified of her being upset or desperate for her approval, she wasn't feeling "love", she was feeling his insecurity.

When you orbit your partner like a satellite, you become heavy. It’s not the kindness that suffocates; it’s the lack of your own gravity.

2. The "Dance" of Energies

This can be described as the balance between Masculine and Feminine energies (regardless of gender):

Masculine Energy (The Mountain): Stable, directional, and takes the lead. It provides the "container."
Feminine Energy (The Ocean): Flow, emotion, and "the experience." It provides the movement.

If the boyfriend was "soft" and helpful every single second, he was acting like a second ocean. There was no mountain for her to lean against. By being her "assistant" on the stairs, he lost his edge. She didn't want him to be mean; she wanted him to be solid.

The "Assistant" vs. The Devotee

Helping your partner isn’t the problem; it’s the intent and the energy behind it. In a power-exchange dynamic, being an "assistant" is only an issue when it’s done from a place of subordinate weakness.

The "Nice Guy" Assistant: Acts out of fear. He's a "beta" servant seeking a reward. This kills attraction instantly.
The "Power Exchange" Assistant: Acts out of Choice. In a high-polarity relationship, acts of service are a gift.

If a leader assists their partner, it’s Protection. If a partner assists their leader, it’s Devotion.

It’s all about The Frame.

Coach’s Note: If the Frame is "I am less than you, please love me," you are suffocating.

If the Frame is "I am a powerful person who chooses to cherish you," you are seductive.

4. Drama vs. Passion

When people are young, they often confuse "chaos" with "chemistry." They think a peaceful relationship is "boring" because they haven't learned how to create internal excitement.

Excitement shouldn't come from your partner’s unpredictability; it should come from your own life, your own passions, and a bit of mystery.

If you make your partner your entire world, you stop being an individual. That loss of space is what actually feels like "suffocation."

5. The "Switch": Bringing the Edge

Sometimes, when someone says they want less "niceness," they are actually craving intensity. They want a partner who can be gentle in the kitchen but dominant and decisive in the bedroom. If he was constantly "soft," he was missing that raw, assertive energy. She didn't need him to stop being nice; she needed him to stop being her "helper" and start being her leader.

6. The Five Love Languages

Another way to look at this is through the "5 Love Languages." This is a famous idea that people give and receive love in different ways.

In this case, the boy was probably using Acts of Service. To him, helping her down the stairs was a way of saying "I care about you."

However, if that isn't the girl's love language, it can feel overwhelming. Here’s a quick breakdown:

* Words of Affirmation: Saying "I love you" or giving compliments.

* Acts of Service: Doing helpful things (like the stairs or the luggage).

* Receiving Gifts: Giving thoughtful presents.

* Quality Time: Giving someone your full attention.

* Physical Touch: Holding hands, hugs, or a more intense physical connection.

If his love language was Acts of Service but hers was Physical Touch (especially with that extra "edge" or intensity we mentioned), his constant helping might have felt like he was hovering or "suffocating" her. He was "speaking" a language she didn't value as much.

The Final Verdict

The truth is, there is no such thing as being "too nice." Kindness is a good thing. What this girl was actually feeling wasn't a lack of meanness; it was a lack of excitement.

Breaking up with someone for being "too nice" is an imprecise excuse.

The truth? She didn't need him to be mean; she needed him to have his own spark. He didn't need to stop being kind; he needed to learn how to hold a Frame.

Don't trade kindness for cruelty. Trade passivity for leadership

If you’ve realized that your "niceness" is actually a lack of Frame, or if you feel like the spark in your relationship is being smothered by passivity, it’s time to stop guessing and start leading. Most people wait until the relationship is over to diagnose the problem; a leader fixes the energy before the fire goes out.

I help men and women reclaim their Polarity, master the art of Power Exchange, and build relationships where kindness and intensity coexist. Let’s cut through the confusion and get you a clear strategy to reignite the tension and respect you deserve.

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